I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
I think pants incapable of making pants work
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
Randomize
