Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
got high to the hills theme song. FEEL THE RAIN ON YOUR SKIN. no regrets.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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