I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
Ya well my good-girl image was pretty much blown when he found out I'm going to jail soon.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
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