I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
he wanted to have me eat skittles off of his body. he mad gay sex even gayer.
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
is that a dick in a sweater?
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
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