i think he just uses that whole "grew up in a castle" thing to get pussy
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
