i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
GOD DAMMIT TARYN WHY DO WE ALWAYS HAVE TO ROB PLACES IN OUR FUTURE PLANS?!
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
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