yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
That seems dangerous to buy acid from a stranger on craigslist
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
Randomize
