When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize
