Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
One person in the car. Three blizzards. Alot of judging.
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
Plus it's a good way to scope out guys. Have them fight for you, like real males do in nature.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
Randomize
