hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
Drinking mikes hard & watching the swan princess. i fucking LOVE college
I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
