And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
Randomize
