Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Randomize
