I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
He told me he had an exgf. and didnt follow up with"and now i like guys."
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
Did we literally take a cab across the street
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
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