I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
Green mimosas i think yes
Also on a more serious note, what says pull my hair more: straight or soft curls?
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
