Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
Randomize
