walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
Randomize