it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
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