I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
Working on an important paper into the wee hours of the morning, and every time I type the word "situation," I can't help but think of effing Jersey Shore. Those guidos are now ruining my academic life.
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
Randomize
