I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
Please keep in mind you are asking relationship advice from a girl who fucked a guy just because we have the same name. Just keep that in mind.
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
Randomize
