Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
