Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
Randomize
