Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
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