Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
He's a huge toolbag douche loser with a below average dick who doesn't know how to treat a girlfriend. He was my rebound after Brady. It was a pitiful 1 month rebound "extravaganza"
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
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