Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
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