even my farts smell like vagina
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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