i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
sweet sixteen by hillary duff just came on and i feel like i let lizzie mcguire down for being such a stoner
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
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