I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
what part of 'taking a night off' includes MDMA in your world?
the tv said "its small, its comfortable..." and i started laughing... safe to say he lost any dignity he had left...
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
Randomize
