the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
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