ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize
