My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
Don't remember much from last night, but I recall slipping you the tounge. For that I apologize
I miss vodka workout Fridays
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
