just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
Randomize
