we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
I could make wine with my vomit
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
Randomize
