Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
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