Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
so we have officially lost him as of 7 hours ago.. already called campus security, the drunk tank and the hospital. figure he'll turn up eventually..
i'll start checking the bushes on campus.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Randomize
