I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
