i always forget guys have bellybuttons
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
Ask politely.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
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