Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
im about as happy as oj after his trial
Girls should come with a carfax report
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Randomize
