So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
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