So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
He had one of those small greek statue penises
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
I'm still hoping for it dude. Random north dakota pussy. If my 16 year old self knew that these were my dreams he would so try to beat me up, and i think he could.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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