You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
Not my man #1 and if he likes it then he should put a title on it. Till then the gates of hell. Aka my vagina are open for entrance.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
Randomize
