She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
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