Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
Randomize
