I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
some dude is stoned out of his mind in my calc class. just shouted that the teacher was a genius cause he got rid of so many numbers
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
we're havin a 400 loko party for joe pa's 400th win. come get loko
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
Randomize
