How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
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