I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
I just got a bj @ my old preschool...my childhood memories r all ruined
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
She played chubby bunny with our cocks.. She got 4
We got a 5L jug of wine for 3 Euro. Italy was a good choice.
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
Randomize
