If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
Randomize
