: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
U should just post that picture of u two on facebook with the caption, does anyone know this girl? If so please tell her to take plan b, thanks
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
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