Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
Was just hit on by a guy with 2 kids and one was named Rocky. I need to get out of Buena Park.
i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize
