just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
Randomize
