You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
this chick on a show just showed her boobs and let some guy paint them others asked why she did it and her reply i quote "i was bored" why dont chicks get bored more often
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
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