Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
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