i think ur clone was at the club last week. she slapped some tall girl in the face who tried to steal her spot on the podium. i dont know if ur like her, but she seemd like a ninja badass with superpowers
His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
Walk of Shame today included voting.
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
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