i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
