I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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