I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
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