just had sex in his gielfriend's bed, and puked all over it. i need to get out of here.
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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