Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
yep. it's official. for $40 they will let you lick the stripper pole.
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
Can we make sure camping doesn't turn into forest-orgy?
Lol, last year was UNREAL
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
