wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
You were trust falling into bushes
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
Randomize
