I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
So I am guessing last night was a success we are all accounted for and only 3 of us have hospital bracelets on
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
Randomize
