Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
