My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
My internship group is made up of all freshman. Their enthusiasm for education and social interaction sickens me.
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
i now understand why vodka
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
Randomize
